Just posted a GIF (Taken with GifBoom)
Sometimes I think life would so much easier without feelings. I really don’t understand why I’m getting so jealous… Well I do but why does it seem like its all just a game to him? Now that I did everything to make him comfortable and happy, when the situation is reversed, it seems like maybe I should have handled the situation differently, like of course not make the same mistakes. But if I hadn’t made any mistakes, would I still be told who I can and cannot talk to. Or would I be able to use the same excuse as him? He still did something and I’m still effected by it in partly because I finally got the truth three years later. He holds those past things against me and I understand why but shouldn’t I be able to say the same? In a sense our situations are very similar. And yet he continues to keep it up and hanging out with her increasing more like its no big deal. “it’s cute that you get jealous” “it means you care” yeah but to make me ever so jealous even more?? Seriously? My feelings are not a joke or a game or cute (in this situation)… This is draining me emotionally and I seriously considering trying not to care so I can have a break already. When I get home, I just want to relax. But no I have a daughter who doesn’t know how to get her dad to help her do anything (I think in partly because she knows he doesn’t care about her like I do, for instants I use to drop anything and everything to help her with whatever she needed, not so much lately because a lot of the time she can do it herself and for some reason she just has to have mommy do it..) anyways. I just am so exhausted with caring so much. When I finally realize that I kinda really very much to be with him for the rest of my life this goes and happens. Makes me want to stop and reconsider my thoughts. Makes me want to close off again. I mean seriously if he wants to do whatever he wants with no consideration to anyone else’s feelings then why should I care so much. :(
It’s just all so depressing.
Makes me want to cry in a ball for even trying to believe that we could really and truly be happy with just each other.
I guess the next best thing is to focus all of this energy in jadence or photography or something else beside someone who doesn’t seem to care for me as much as I do for them… Hopefully it’s just for now. Maybe one day we’ll connect again. It was so much fun when we did. I want to go back to those fun cute times. I want them all the time…. I hate crying. Especially at work. I hate when people can tell something’s wrong.
